This is very difficult for me to put out there, but it is a necessary part for me to begin healing. It may be right or it may be wrong, but I have to do this even if it's just for myself to get this out of me.
There comes a time in life when all the situations and occurences that have happened to you through the years cause you to have to take a break and really look at yourself. I'm realizing that I have never given myself the attention I deserve. I am not talking about the usual attention we give ourselves like, doing our hair, or buying a gift for ourselves.
What I'm talking about is more of a deeper focus where I am looking at myself in all regards. So many things have occurred in my life and so fast, that I never had a chance to even blink at them. They were like..in and out..zip zoom..and I couldn't/didn't even see what happened to me. Here I am months to years after they've happened and just now feeling the after affects of it all.
Sometimes I get so dark and low, and it feels as if no one really sees the real me..honestly it's like I've never even really seen myself. Until now, I am just now beginning to pay attention to who I am..not Mystikjipsy, but me..Cher Jackson.
I need to and have needed to do this for a very long time..and part of me wants to cringe away from it for fear of being to deep and emotional or being ridiculed for being open and vulnerable.
There is this voice that says "Oh, Cher what is your problem, you're a grown woman, you should be past these things.."
The problem with that is the litte girl part of myself has never been nurtured and loved the way she was supposed to be, so how can the grown woman part of myself even begin to take care of the child when she herself has not learned?
This is what brings me to my current deep soul searching.
There have been many aspects to this search I've been on for the past 5-7 years.
I've been pissed off at the people who have hurt me, really pissed off at God (that one was an extremely hard one for me to even begin to turn around), and even directed misplaced anger at myself to the point of causing myself harm (emotionally) indirectly.
I'm tired of being sad, mad, angry and hurt, I want to get to the end of this chapter and begin a fresh new era in my life.
I'm ready to throw away the blinders that have been acting as a numbing agent...an agent that has caused me to neglect actually looking at myself and all that has transpired in my life thus far.
With that said, I apologize to everyone, my fans and my friends if I've seemed distant or not existent lately. I am still here and there, I just need this time to regroup and get to the bottom of what has been at the back of my mind like a needle, piercing my subconscious. It's time to face the giant.
- ▼ 2012 (11)